


Shuffle at Death's Bachelor Party

by mysteryroach



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Gen, Other, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-11 17:06:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7061830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysteryroach/pseuds/mysteryroach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Richard tries, and fails, to kill himself. Some shit happens.</p>
<p>now this has an 8tracks mix too! check it here: <a href="http://8tracks.com/johnmunch420/pioneer-of-aerodynamics">pioneer of aerodynamics</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> working title: "Suicide (1977) feat. Richard Hendricks"
> 
> a continuation of my last fic, "I Had A Vision of Myself as Gavin Belson"
> 
> this is a personal work. also, brushes with death aren't worth much without the laughter.

The cloud in his vision lifted just enough for him to see how insurmountable his situation really was. He couldn’t just leave. People would look for him and they would always find him. He couldn’t escape. So really, his first idea was better. He didn’t want to write a note because he just wanted everything to end and he didn’t want to drag things out longer than he needed to. He thought about that episode of the Simpsons where Moe had a sign taped to his back that said NO FUNERAL when he shoved his head in an oven. He thought about doing that. He knew Big Head would have gotten the reference, anyway. But he didn’t have the privacy necessary to kill himself in the kitchen.

Over the next three days, Richard sketched out the basics of the platform, just enough so that everyone would know what he wanted and the guys could build on it. He left it in a folder on his desktop.

Erlich had a butcher block of expensive knives in the kitchen that no one had ever used. On the fourth day, Richard took the one meant for slicing fruit and put it in his pants pocket.

There was no use waiting, so he went into the bathroom and locked the door. He took off his clothes except for his underwear and laid the knife on the counter. Slicing his wrists seemed like the least terrifying option, since he had essentially been preparing for it for half his life. It wasn’t the most effective method, but he figured that if he cut deep enough, it would work.

He pictured this moment and he thought he would have been crying. Or that he’d back out at the last second. But he had done everything he had to do and his purpose was fulfilled, so he didn’t have to worry about anything. He was ready. He pressed the knife to his right wrist first, went as deep as he could, and dragged it. He was woozy, but able to do it again. Then he hit his head on the counter and fell on the floor.

**

Dinesh got up to use the bathroom and realized no one had seen Richard in a while. The door was locked. He knocked and told Richard to get out. No answer. He kept knocking.

“Guys, I think something’s wrong,” he said. Erlich kicked the door open, and when Dinesh saw the bathroom, he fainted. He wasn’t good with blood. Gilfoyle dragged him out of the way and into the living room while Erlich and Jared dealt with Richard.

Jared grabbed some towels and he pressed down on Richard’s one arm while Erlich did the other. Erlich had to call 911, since Jared was crying.

“We need an ambulance, my friend just tried to kill himself.”

It was going to be about 10 minutes, which felt too long.

“Little buddy, I had no idea,” Erlich said as he pushed Richard’s hair out of his pale face.

Richard’s eyes fluttered enough for Jared and Erlich to know that he was still alive, but they didn’t know how long that could last. The floor was covered in Richard’s blood, and so were they before long.

“Richard, why didn’t you just leave?” Jared asked between sobs. And then, not even caring that Erlich could hear, “Richard I love you. I love you.”

They rode with him in the ambulance and followed him into his hospital room. He needed blood, and stitches, and when he woke up he groaned and said “I can’t fucking believe this.”

Jared and Erlich had their arms around each other like they were his parents, watching him. They had both been crying.

“Richard?” An unfamiliar voice, a woman. The doctor. “Richard, are you awake now?” He looked over at her. She looked so nice and he hated it.

“Richard, my name is Dr. Spencer. Do you know where you are?” she asked.

“I’m in a fucking hospital, obviously,” he said while looking at the ceiling.

“Yes, you’re in the hospital. Do you know why?” It was like she was rubbing his face in it.

“Because I’m too stupid to die,” he answered.

It was sort of supposed to be funny, in an esoteric way, but no one took it as a joke.

Jared ran over to the bed and put his hand lightly over Richard’s. It felt kind of clandestine, having physical contact with someone in a hospital bed. Richard turned his head but he couldn’t bring his eyes to meet Jared’s face.

“Richard, we’re going to keep you here overnight, okay?” The doctor kept talking to him like he was an idiot and he couldn’t stand it.

“Okay,” he said, hoping his anger registered to her. _I fucking hate you, lady, just shut up._

Dr. Spencer ushered Jared and Erlich to the door to talk about Richard. As if going through the open doorway would make him unable to hear them.

“We’re going to place him in our psychiatric ward, I’d guess for at least a week. This has clearly been going on for a while. Did either of you know about the cutting?”

Erlich looked confused. Jared cleared his throat and said, “He just told me last week. Or, he didn’t tell me, but he showed me his scars. He didn’t really talk to me about it. Not really.”

Jared and Erlich shared a glance. Erlich felt a weird jealousy that Jared knew about this but he didn’t, but now just wasn’t the time.

“I can hear you in here,” Richard said. He was being whiny and irritating, but he was dragged back to life in a blatant disregard for his feelings, so he didn’t really give a shit.

Jared looked into the room, wanting to rush to him, but he stayed in the hallway.

“He’s going to have some nerve damage in his hands,” the doctor said.

“Why don’t you tell ME that?” Richard yelled.

The doctor walked back into the room and said, “You’re going to have some nerve damage in your hands. I’m sorry. It won’t be serious.”

“Thank you. God.”

It was weird, but he had this sort of renewed energy. He still wished that he was dead, but this felt like a sort of bachelor party before his real death. He could cut loose. Erlich and Jared walked back into the room and the doctor said that she would come back later and let them stay with Richard alone.

“Ugh, god, I’m sorry, guys,” Richard said. He didn’t know what he was apologizing for other than ‘that you had to be here’. He wasn’t sure if he was sorry for still being alive or not. Fifty-fifty.

“Richard,” Jared said in that soft way he always said his name. He held out his hand for Richard to take, and was surprised when he did.

“You don’t have to apologize, Richard. Except for the mess you left in my bathroom.” Erlich said, and Richard was so, so glad that he made a joke for him. He even smiled weakly.

“Can I get you anything?” Jared asked. Richard asked for a Red Bull and Jared went to find a vending machine.

“Richard, why didn’t you tell anyone?” Erlich asked. Richard was so surprised to hear him speak so seriously that he listened for traces of sarcasm in his voice that he desperately wanted to hear.

“Well, I mean, I wanted to kill myself, Erlich. I can’t be like ‘okay everybody, I’m off to kill myself now, see you later’. You kind of have to keep it quiet,” Richard said. The pain was just now starting to shoot up his arms. He looked down. They were loosely wrapped in gauze, but he could feel the bumps of stitches underneath. It was weird to think about.

“No, I know that. I mean…any of it. That this was going on.”

Richard sighed and said, “I don’t know.”

Jared came back and explained that they didn’t have Red Bull and he was so sorry but he got Richard a Monster instead. Richard took it happily.

Jared looked down at him with a level of love that Richard was just not ready to receive right then. And it reminded him to say, “Oh shit. Guys. Please don’t tell my parents.”

Jared and Erlich nodded.

“In fact like…just don’t tell anybody. I just can’t deal with it right now.”

Jared wanted to explain that he would have to at least tell Monica, since there was a meeting at Raviga that week that Richard would miss, but he just agreed that he wouldn’t.

They looked at each other with nothing to say. It was getting late, but Jared was certainly not a stranger to sleeping in hospital chairs if he needed to. He would stay until he was kicked out, if he needed to.

A male nurse who Richard, weirdly, could only describe as hot came in and said, “Okay, Richard, are you ready to go?”

“I guess I have to be, don’t I?” he said. He was still feeling bitchy.

“All right, come on.” the nurse said, and he helped Richard to get out of the hospital bed even though Richard cut his wrists and not his legs, fucking dick. Erlich and Jared followed and Jared filled out the forms and the nurse at the psych unit told him that he could bring clothes and books and whatever Richard needed tomorrow. And they left. Jared was crying again.

The hot male nurse led Richard to a room. He would be alone, which he was thankful for.

“Okay, dude. You’re on suicide watch and I have to do this, I’m sorry,” the nurse said as he gestured for Richard to take off his hospital gown and started patting him down.

“I’m really sorry, okay?” And the nurse put his hands in Richard’s boxers. Richard let out a strangled noise. The nurse laughed.

“I know. It sucks, man. But we’re done.” And the dude left.

Richard had nothing for anybody to take from him. No shoelaces or anything. He looked around and tried to see if it was feasible for him to hang himself using a bedsheet. But then he’d probably fail at that too and then they’d take his sheets away. So he wouldn’t risk it. So he just sat, alone, until a nurse came in and turned the light out for him. And then he sat alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who knew your boy had some problems.

Erlich and Jared took an Uber home. They didn’t talk. Jared couldn’t hide his sobbing, which grew weaker as time passed. Erlich just sat while everything around him fogged up.

When they got home, Dinesh was slumped against Gilfoyle on the couch. They both seemed too shocked to even worry about it.

“Oh my god,” Dinesh said as he turned toward the door. “What happened? Is Richard okay?”

Jared was finally calm enough to speak. “Physically, he’s going to be fine. But they’ll be keeping him in the hospital for a while just to be sure that he’ll be safe.” He sat down, slowly, on the couch.

“Man, that’s…” Gilfoyle trailed off. He couldn’t say anything cutting, so he didn’t say anything. Erlich went into his room without saying anything. Jared went into the bathroom to clean up. And Dinesh and Gilfoyle slept where they sat.

***

At 3 in the morning, a nurse came in and turned the fluorescent light on. Richard sat upright.

“What the fuck?” he mumbled, his eyes burning in his skull.

“Sorry, hon, I’m just here to check your vitals.” The nurse shoved a thermometer in his mouth and hooked his finger up to…that thing to check your pulse, he didn’t know what it was called.

“Why do you have to do this so early?” he asked.

“Standard procedure,” she shrugged. She put a cuff around his arm and checked his blood pressure. “Okay, you’re good.”

She turned the light back out, but Richard couldn’t fall back to sleep. He would have turned the TV on if the room had had one. Wasn’t that standard procedure? What kind of hospital was this?

So he laid there in the dark and weirdly, thought about nothing. Until he started thinking about the fact that he was thinking about nothing. What a huge, empty hollow space he felt inside of him. He didn’t know what to make of it.

At 7:30, another nurse came in and threw a sealed pair of hospital scrubs onto the bed.

“Here, so you have something to wear today,” she said.

“Thanks,” Richard said, and put them on. They were a size too big, but it was better than wearing a hospital gown.

“Okay, so it’s breakfast time now, if you go out into the dining area, they have cereal, fruit, bagels, coffee, and eggs and bacon,” the nurse said.

Richard’s heart was pounding. He had no idea what this was going to be like. The death-wish feelings had dissipated during the night, but he was feeling them in full force, if only to avoid an awkward situation. He eventually wandered out, looking at the floor, stealing a peek at the long table against the wall that was surrounded by other patients. Richard knew that everybody was in the same boat as he was, and his fear wasn’t of ‘crazy people’ because what he had done the night before was pretty goddamn crazy by any metric, but of being judged as a defective. It was simply a reflexive response to being around any person. He was careful not to look at anyone, and he grabbed a tiny box of cereal, a bowl, and a tiny carton of milk. The only cereal available was Corn Flakes, which was tasteless garbage, but it would do.

He sat at an empty table, but all of the tables were so close together that it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. A short, skinny girl with a shaved head and a black t-shirt turned inside out sat across from him. She had an apple and a Styrofoam cup of coffee.

“Hey,” she said. Richard looked up out of politeness and managed to smile enough for it to register. “Did you just get here?” she asked.

“Yeah, last night. I’m Richard.” Richard’s voice was quaking slightly. They sat quietly. The rest of the room had a level of familiarity but not exactly warmth. A tall, older black guy at the table next to them slapped the shaved head girl on the shoulder and said, “Hey Marie! You’re eating today!” It was a weird mix of encouraging and ribbing that Richard didn’t really know how to respond to.

“Yeah, man, I’m tryin’,” the girl said.

“I don’t blame you though,” the guy said. “I’ve been here a bunch of times and the food doesn’t get better. Even those apples are sad.”

A bunch of times, Richard thought. He wondered if that was going to be him.

“Yeah,” Marie said. She took a bite of the apple, and its flesh was alternating green and brown. “It’s like in science fiction books where all the food is grown in Petri dishes. But like, they just got one fucked up apple and are replicating it forever.”

The guy laughed out loud, and even Richard had to smile a little.

“So who’s this guy?” The dude asked, and he drew his attention to Richard.

“Oh, this is Richard,” Marie said with her mouth full. “He’s new.”

“I’m Jean-Paul,” the guy said, and he held out his hand for Richard to shake. “I know, my parents were French speakers.”

“Oh, okay,” Richard said and he shook Jean-Paul’s hand.

Richard was surprised by the fact that no one commented on his arms, but he supposed he shouldn’t have been. It probably was not the first time these people had seen some cut up wrists. You get jaded eventually.

After breakfast, there were two hours of free time before group therapy, which meant that Richard had to have an individual meeting with a psychiatrist so they could put him on pills and make sure he wouldn’t blow his brains out in front of everybody. His name was Dr. Cantillano and he leaned forward really far and pressed his index fingers together in front of his mouth to show that he was listening.

“So what’s going on there, Richard?” he asked in a voice that was so gentle it made Richard angry.

“Ugh, god,” Richard said, and he leaned back into the couch.

“It’s hard to know where to start, huh?” Dr. Cantillano was trying to be affable, but it wasn’t going to work. Richard wasn’t going to be disarmed in this situation. Not if he could help it. “Well, when did you start cutting?”

Richard hated wearing short sleeves.

“I don’t know, when I was a kid. Middle school.” Richard gave his answers without looking up from the floor.

“Why did you start?”

“I don’t know, I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time.” Ordinarily, Richard would be animated and sarcastic, but he was too tired. And this environment was pretty draining.

“Well, why do you do it now?”

“Because I’ve been doing it since I was a kid.” Richard didn’t know what answer he was supposed to give. If he had a satisfactory answer for any of it, he wouldn’t have been here.

“Why did you try to kill yourself yesterday?”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” Richard laughed a little. Dr. Cantillano didn’t.

“Do you still feel like it was a good idea?”

“Well, obviously not,” Richard said. He was getting nervous, like there were definite wrong answers to these questions.

“Why is that obvious?” Dr. Cantillano asked. _How stupid is this guy?_ Richard thought. _Why do I have to explain everything?_

“Well, if it was a good idea, it probably would have worked and I wouldn’t be here right now.”

Richard knew that that was a wrong answer. The doctor looked at him with alarm. Richard tried to diffuse the situation by laughing, but he was too uncomfortable to be convincing.

“So, do you still want to kill yourself?” the doctor asked. Richard hated that he sounded nervous. This couldn’t have been his first time around. Richard just wanted him to be apathetic about it. And then he realized that he had no answer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody's dealing with it.

Jared didn’t sleep. It felt somehow rude to. He sat at the kitchen table and drank coffee. He watched the sun rise. He drew pictures of birds on a legal pad.

Visiting hours were from 3-5. It was going to be a long day. He had to bring Richard clothes, but nothing with drawstrings. That rule was not new to him. He went into Richard’s room and looked in his closet. Nothing but hoodies. He figured that he would go to Target and buy some long-sleeved shirts for Richard. He was probably uncomfortable being too exposed. He thought about Richard’s first night and how afraid and alone he must have been, and how badly he wished he had been there.

When Jared was still Donald and he turned 18, he went crazy. He had gotten into Vassar and somehow, after years of misery, achieved his dream. But he didn’t realize that eventually, the dream would just become his life, and his life wouldn’t just freeze-frame at the moment of his acceptance to college. And while most of his peers had families and homes to go back to, Donald couldn’t even depend on the state anymore. He had never felt more helpless or alone. He stopped eating. He stopped going to class. He could barely move.

At his lowest point, Donald stole his roommate’s pain medication from when he had his wisdom teeth out and swallowed the whole bottle. And his roommate found him, and called the hospital, and they pumped his stomach and he survived. He went into the hospital for a week and they put him on antidepressants and he started going to support groups and now, for the most part, he was okay. Jared could no longer imagine the pain that he had been in. Someday he would tell Richard, but over ten years later, it still felt like a rock he had swallowed that would never come out of his throat. He didn’t even know if it would help if Richard knew. But, he thought, none of us really know anything, do we?

The air felt like it had been sucked out of the house. It felt so unfair to go on with life, even for just a little while, while Richard was where he was. Everyone tried to eat breakfast, make coffee, go to work, but they all hesitated.

“Should we even be working right now?” Dinesh asked.

“Well, Richard did give us direction,” Jared said. “Even if it was…” and he couldn’t continue.

“It won’t do us any good to just stop, boys,” Erlich said. His bathrobe swung around him, and he tried to imbue his words with the usual bombast, but it felt hollow.

“Yeah, I know,” Dinesh said. “But doesn’t it feel like…I don’t know. It’s weird.”

Gilfoyle just got to work like he did every other day. Of course he was worried and upset. He wasn’t emotionless, as much as everybody else thought he was. But even in situations like this, you have to look after yourself. That’s the way to move on. And Richard would be back, anyway. He didn’t say any of this, though. He hated to agree with Erlich on anything.

Jared busied himself by cleaning up the trash in the living room. He stopped when he found a Red Bull can that Richard left. He held it, and sat back down at the table.

“Hey, Jared, are you okay?” Dinesh asked. It was so weird for him to talk to Jared without insulting him.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m all right.” Jared blinked away a few tears. He was surprised that his body was still capable of producing them.

Eventually, he left, bringing with him a bag of socks and pants and underwear. He felt like he was sleepwalking in Target. He bought Richard a couple of long-sleeved shirts. He wanted to buy something else, anything that would be nice, but nothing was good enough.

He started getting nervous on the drive to the hospital. Jared wasn’t a stranger to this, and he knew that it wasn’t like he would get there and Richard would have his head shaved and his spirit broken, but he was nervous all the same. It was still too much to bear.

When he got there, Richard was watching an old tube television and tapping his feet compulsively. He was wearing a pair of scrubs. Jared signed in, and walked over.

“Richard?”

“Oh, hey Jared.”

It was nonchalant, perhaps not the level of excitement Jared had imagined, but it was just so good to see Richard at all.

“Here, I got you some clothes. Sorry I didn’t think of that sooner,” Jared laughed nervously.

“Thanks.” Richard got up, and Jared was hoping that he would hug him, but he didn’t. He led him to a table in the middle of the room and they sat down.

“So…” Jared said. “How you doing, buddy?”

Richard smiled a little.

“It’s boring. They gave me some pills for anxiety. I have to go to group therapy every day.” Richard was tapping his fingers on the table.

“Are you okay?” Jared asked.

“Well, I’m in the hospital,” Richard said.

“No, I mean…you keep tapping your fingers and your feet.”

“Oh. I don’t know. I think because I haven’t had caffeine here. It makes me feel weird.”

“I’m sorry,” Jared said gently. He reached his hand across the table, but Richard didn’t take it. He slowly drew it back.

“So how is everybody?” Richard asked. Jared knew that he wouldn’t want to hear that they were worried.

“You know, back to work. Everyone is okay.”

“Good”.

They sat in silence for a while. Neither of them made eye contact.

“Thanks…thanks for coming, Jared.” Richard said, still looking down at the table.

“Richard…of course.” Jared wanted to cry all over again, but he knew how much Richard would have hated it.

“You know, you’re more than I deserve.” Richard mumbled.

“That isn’t true. I care about you, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I hope this isn’t unprofessional, but you’re…you’re a very dear friend to me, Richard.” Jared tried to make eye contact, but Richard still wouldn’t look up.

“Thank you.” Richard was barely audible. A few times, Jared thought Richard may have started to cry, but he must have been mistaken.

“I have something wrong with me, you know. I mean, everybody here does, obviously, I mean, it’s a hospital. But, you know, I can like, I can feel that I have something. Do you know what I mean?” Richard finally looked into Jared’s eyes.

“I do,” Jared said.

“It’s hard. I feel like a fucking idiot that I let it get this bad, that I’m here at all. I mean, what the fuck, Jared? What kind of person am I?” Again, Jared could hear a quaver in Richard’s voice, but it never broke.

“Times like these are so difficult. But I think ultimately, they make us the kind of people that we are. And I mean that positively,” Jared said defensively. “You’ll get through this. And if you do have _something_ , you’ll learn how to deal with it. You’ll be stronger because of it.”

Richard hated that because of weakness and medication and fluorescent lighting, he was more susceptible to this kind of corny bullshit.

“I’ll come back tomorrow, Richard.” Jared said as he got up to leave.

“Thanks.”

Richard went into his room to change. Tomorrow may as well have been two months away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy i love writing stories where nothing happens. hope you like reading them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> look i don't even know what this story is about but it'll be over soon.

The next day, Richard got to go to group therapy. Everyone sat at a long table. He sat next to Marie because she had talked to him, so he felt like he knew her. He was one of twelve people in the ward. Mostly women, but there were three other men.

He learned that most people in the ward had bipolar disorder or were alcoholics (or both). There was an older woman who talked about her own cutting, and it gave Richard some comfort to know that he wasn’t stupid for not outgrowing it like he thought he would. At the same time, she was twice his age and still dealing with the same shit.

He didn’t want to talk. The counselor said that was fine “for now”, but he would have to talk eventually.

The way Richard saw it, these other people had real problems, and he had created every obstacle that led him to this point. It was embarrassing.

After therapy, he had to sheepishly ask a nurse if he could shower and shave. She grabbed the same male nurse who he had met the first night, who watched him shave and stood outside the shower to ensure that Richard wouldn’t try anything. He hated that this stranger knew more about his penis than anybody in the past three years. Showering did make him feel better, but there wasn’t really any relief. All there was to do was sit in the day room and either read twelve-year-old issues of magazines or watch a tube TV that was always playing “I Dream of Jeannie”. It was like the hospital wanted him to feel as alienated as possible.

He sat down on one of the old rocking chairs in front of the TV and chewed on his cuticles. Marie sat down next to him.

“Hey, Richard.”

“Hi.” He had just chewed off a particularly large piece of skin and was in the process of peeling it off his finger.

“Are you quitting smoking or something? You can get nicotine gum here, you know. They’ll give it to you if you ask. Hell, I’ll give you some if you need it,” she said.

“No, not that.”

“Oh, okay.” She nodded slowly and tried to think of something else to say.

“Dude, do you see that lady over there?” Marie pointed to a woman with a name badge. She had close to no hair.

“Yeah.”

“That’s one of the administrators. She hates me, I can tell.” Marie said.

“Why?” Richard asked.

“’Cause when I got here she asked if I shaved my head as a choice and when I said ‘yes’ she was like, ‘YEAH WELL MY HAIR WASN’T A CHOICE’ ‘cause she has cancer and she acted like I was insulting her. So now whenever I see her I get nervous.”

Richard didn’t know what to say in response.

“Like, sorry I offended you, lady. I shaved my head ‘cause I was fucked up on Ambien but whatever. She should be ready to deal with shit like that working here.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” Richard said. He didn’t have much to say, but he was happy that someone was talking to him and seemed not to mind his silence.

He learned that Marie became an alcoholic after her dad died when she was 16, and she dropped out of college. She was going to major in Russian literature. He learned that she lived with her brother and his wife and worked at a Domino’s until she got fired for drinking at work. He learned that she was also anorexic, which was why her brother took her to the hospital.

“What about you, what’s your story?” she asked him.

“Oh, I mean…I don’t know. I don’t have one.” Richard shifted in his seat.

“Yeah you do. You’re here. Come on. What do you think I’m gonna do, make fun of you? I’m sure that getting dragged by a 19-year-old alcoholic is really gonna mess with you, man.”

“I mean, yeah,” Richard said. She laughed out loud at that.

“Come on,” she begged. “Tell me something, please? Who’s that tall guy who visited you yesterday? Is he your boyfriend or what?”

“No, he’s not my boyfriend,” Richard chuckled uncomfortably. “He’s…I guess he’s my best friend. We work together. He works for me. Or he used to, I don’t know. It’s…kind of complicated. But yeah, we’re just friends.”

“What do you do?” Marie asked.

“Oh, I started uh, a compression company called Pied Piper.” He looked at Marie to gauge her reaction, but she didn’t seem to know what he was talking about.

“So are you one of those Silicon Valley tech dudes?” she asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I am. But like…I guess I mean, I hate that industry. But I can’t do anything else. I mean look at me; I can’t do anything else. And I’m in way too deep and I don’t want someone else to run my company but I can’t run it. And even if I could, there’s no way I could run it without being fucking evil because the whole industry it just…it just warps people and I can’t do it. So I uh…yeah. I ended up here.” Richard was shaking with the force of admitting all of it in one breath.

“Wow,” Marie said. It wasn’t just him. She didn’t have anything to say either. Richard shrugged. He was exhausted.

****

Jared forgot to call Monica. She called him in close to a panic, or as close as she would allow herself to get, anyway.

“Jared? Is everything okay? Richard isn’t answering his phone and he didn’t show up to the board meeting.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jared nodded, even though she couldn’t see him. “Um…Richard is fine. He’s in the hospital.”

“Oh my god. Jared, what happened? Is he okay?”

“Well, he…he had a…um….a suicide attempt. So it---he can’t---“

“Oh, god.” Monica said.

“He didn’t want me to say anything,” Jared said. He felt like he betrayed Richard in the worst way.

“Jared, come on. I’m sure he’s not worried about that right now.”

“I know, but…” Jared’s throat ached with the pressure of an oncoming cry, but he wouldn’t allow it. He dug his nails into his palm to keep it at bay. “Oh, Monica, it was horrible.”

“I know. But he’ll be okay, right? He’s getting help and everything?” Monica had never dealt with something like this before and she never expected it.

“Yes, but…I just can’t stop thinking about him lying on the floor the way he was. And he was covered in blood, and it was just so ugly.” Jared’s voice stopped. If it didn’t, he would start crying all over again, and he didn’t know if his body could take it.

“It’s okay. I don’t have to tell Laurie. I can say he had a family emergency or something. I don’t know if she’ll understand that, but it’s worth a try.”

“Thanks, Monica.” Jared was barely audible.

She hung up.

***

When Jared came again, Richard had renewed energy. He was so bored, and he felt like he was on a different planet. When he saw Jared walk in, he practically ran over.

“Jared! Hey!”

Jared looked shocked to see Richard so excited. They sat down together.

“Richard, how are you?” Jared asked.

Richard sighed.

“I wanna go home,” he finally said. Jared held his hand against his chest.

“I know I miss you,” he said. It felt like a massive risk to say that anywhere else, but here, he had nothing else he could say.

“Yeah,” Richard said. “I started talking to the psychiatrist more. Since I figure if I don’t, they won’t let me go.”

“Hmm? What did they say?” Jared asked.

“I got some shit going on. If you can believe that,” he laughed. Jared tried to, but he didn’t. “Like, OCD and major depression, I guess. Um…he said that I can’t deal with the responsibilities I’ve put on myself. Which is pretty obviously true, right?”

“Oh, Richard. You can handle anything.” Jared said.

“No, I can’t. That’s the point. Look at me, Jared. Be honest.”

“Oh…” Jared sighed. It hurt him to say anything negative against Richard. “Well, I know I couldn’t do what you do.”

“Neither can I,” Richard said. He laughed out of the side of his mouth. “So like, first priority when I leave is to find a new CEO. I’m being honest. I don’t want anyone else to run my company, but when I try to run it, well, I mean, you saw what happened.”

Jared didn’t want to say that he hadn’t stopped thinking about it for days.

“But like, right now he’s making me list out reasons not to kill myself.” Richard said. “And it’s, well, it’s fucking weird because I always had this like, eject button I could always press when shit got too bad and that was comforting, but now I gotta stop that.”

Jared nodded. “Richard, do you want to share?”

“Well, it’s not a lot. It’s dumb, it’s like, ‘I don’t want to stop coding’, ‘I want to see the end of Game of Thrones’, ‘I don’t want to hurt my family,’ ‘I don’t want to hurt you’.” He looked at Jared as he said that.

“I probably don’t have to tell you what that means to me.” Jared said.

“No…I guess not.” Richard said. “I mean, I wanted to be mad at you because you kept me from dying, but now I have to frame it like ‘you saved my life’ and even if that’s not what I wanted, I mean, that’s pretty big and I have to thank you. So…thanks, Jared.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” Jared said.

“Don’t even worry about it.” Richard said. When Jared brought his hand across the table, Richard put his own over it. It felt weird, but it was okay, just for that moment.

“They’ll probably let me come home by the end of the week,” Richard said. At that, Jared finally laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is, perhaps, TOO REAL.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coming home

It was bizarre how, at the end of the week, Richard felt so close to people that he would never see again. That he _hoped_ he would never see again. Allison, the fifty-year-old woman who was also a cutter, gave him a card for a self-harmer’s anonymous group that Richard wasn’t sure he would ever go to. He started talking in group therapy.

Richard discussed his hatred of Silicon Valley and his hatred of himself. He lit up when people asked him what his company did. Finally, the guy next to him (Leon, a divorced dad with agoraphobia) tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey Richard, why don’t you go back to school?”

“What do you mean?” Richard asked.

“You gotta be a teacher, man.” Leon said. Everyone around the table, including Corinne, the counselor, agreed.

“You pretty obviously love it,” Allison noted.

And Richard sat and thought about it, and it helped him to formulate an escape plan. One without pills or a tall parking garage or an expensive knife in Erlich’s bathroom. But it was easy for a dream to feel in reach when you’re as alienated from your current reality as you are from the fantasy. Right now, Pied Piper was an abstraction and Richard had no responsibility for it, and no real attachment to it. Once he got home, he didn’t know.

On the last day, Marie told him about addiction displacement and suggested that he take up smoking to stop cutting.

“I really don’t think you’re giving me good advice here,” he said.

“I’m just saying it’ll work. That’s what people in AA do. They just smoke cigarettes and drink coffee like crazy. Just do that.”

He wished her good luck and she told him that if she ever went back to school, she’d take a coding course just to see him. Richard laughed.

Then, just to go the extra mile, she asked for her blue box, which held whatever forbidden items you had on your person when you got in, and gave him a half-finished pack of Marlboro Lights.

“Uh…thanks,” Richard said, and he put them in his pocket.

Erlich picked him up. He slapped him on the back and said, “all right, kiddo, you ready to go?”

Richard walked out of the hospital seven pounds lighter, armed with three prescriptions and some cigarettes. He felt completely hollow and scared to death. When he got home, everyone hugged him, and he was surprised that he let it happen.

“Good to have you back, Richard,” Gilfoyle said. Richard couldn’t be sure if he was smiling. Jared practically kissed him. Richard probably would have let him. He felt exhaustion and a tremendous openness to whatever was going to happen. He wasn’t ready for any of it, but he was in a position to allow it.

When everything calmed down, everyone sat around the table and Richard said, “I have to step down as CEO.”

Jared expected it, but hearing it still surprised him. Everyone looked shocked, and Richard laughed at how much they had all deluded themselves in the past year.

“I mean. Guys, come on. You…you guys know where I was, right? What the fuck do you think put me there?”

Erlich nodded slowly.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do after that,” Richard admitted.

“What, are you leaving?” Dinesh asked.

“I have to. I have to get out.” Richard said. “If I don’t get out, I’m probably gonna just keep trying until I kill myself for real.”

Richard laughed to diffuse the tension. He should have learned that that never works, but it was in his nature to keep trying at failing ventures.

“I want one of you guys to be the CEO.” Richard slumped his shoulders.

“Well, it seems like there’s only one real choice here.” Erlich puffed out his chest and looked at Richard expectantly.

Richard looked at him for a long time and finally said, “I think…I think I want Dinesh to do it.”

Erlich yelled like a bear as he shot up from his seat. “Are you fucking kidding me, Richard? Who does Dinesh know? What is this shit?”

“Well,” Richard said thoughtfully. “Dinesh had that video conferencing app and it was incredible. And I think…I think you guys should go that way. It’s not my company anymore.”

Dinesh was beaming with pride.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna have to work for you,” Gilfoyle said. Dinesh just looked at him with a sadistic glee. Erlich wanted to continue to protest, but Richard quietly walked into his room and shut the door.

Jared gave Dinesh a quick word of congratulations and went to Richard. He knocked and opened the door. Richard hadn’t even reached the bed yet.

“Jared, look at this,” Richard said, gesturing him to come over. They both climbed onto the loft bed. Jared’s hair brushed the ceiling. Richard slowly unwrapped the gauze around his left arm to show the thick, black stitches going up the length of his forearm. Jared had to look away.

“It’s fucked up, right?” Richard said. Jared was struck by how relaxed Richard could be in the face of something so gruesome. It may have been the most relaxed Jared had ever seen him.

“Um, yeah.” Jared cleared his throat. “Listen…Richard. I want you to know that whatever you do, I’ll support you, and if you want me to be there, I will.”

“Do you want to come live at my parents’ house because that’s probably what I’m going to do,” Richard laughed.

“And then what?” Jared asked him.

“Go to school, maybe. Be a teacher or something. I dropped out the first time, so it might not be worth it, but…you know, I can try I guess. And crash and burn miserably like I did here.” Richard laughed again. Jared felt awkward that he couldn’t laugh too.

“I don’t know, maybe people will laugh at me like ‘there’s that idiot who left right when they were getting big’ but you know. I think I understand why people do that now.” Richard leaned his head against the wall.

“Richard…” Jared thought about telling him everything about himself, and although Jared knew that he could let out brief, horrifying glimpses of his past, something about sitting down and really talking about it felt like too much, especially to Richard. “I understand what you’re going through,” was all he said.

Richard looked at him but just nodded. He was too exhausted to press it any further.

“I guess I have to call my parents,” he said.

Jared nodded.

“Let me know if you need anything,” Jared said, and it was weird to hear that phrase said by somebody who meant it.

“Thanks,” Richard said. Jared quietly walked out of the room and shut the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> endings are for suckers.


End file.
